Moron(s) of the Week Award

I don't usually give out a Moron of the Week Award, but if I did, the couple in this story would win. I had a hard time thinking of a satisfactory title for this story, it was that strange.

As I've mentioned, I work as a people greeter in Wal-Mart. As such, I see many strange and interesting people come and go. The couple in question were not memorable at first. They were young (somewhere in their 20s) and married I assume, with a baby in a carrier set inside the buggy. (Shopping cart, for those of you not familiar with the vernacular.) They came in with an item to return, and they both had looks on their faces like something smelled. I don't mean that something actually smelled, I mean that they didn't appear friendly or happy. I made small talk and made little jokes while I was scanning their return, but they had nothing to say. Didn't even smile once. Like I said though, nothing remarkable about this. I just assumed they weren't friendly, or they were annoyed with something else. (I hadn't done anything, I was pretty sure it wasn't my fault.)

I'm not sure exactly what time they came in the store; I'm guessing about 7pm or so. A little after 7:30, I was standing in my same spot, and I happened to see them standing by the produce with a basket half-full of groceries. I'm terrible at estimating distance, so I couldn't guess how many feet away from me they were. They were far enough away so that even if I didn't have a noisy vent above me, I couldn't have made out what they were saying. At any rate, I recognized them as a passing thought, like I do most other customers. I wondered to myself if they were able to get their money back on their return.

As I was wondering this, suddenly the guy walked away from the lady and headed for my door. I was already looking at him because he caught my attention when he moved, so it took me a minute to realize that he was actually walking away from her. I couldn't hear what she was saying, if anything, but as the guy passed in front of me he turned around and shouted, "Nope, I'm gone. Peace." and he walked out of the store.

Ok, I have to stop for a minute and comment. What the fuck was that?! Disregarding the simple fact that he was making a scene, and moving on to the more pressing question: Who the hell ends an argument by saying "I'm gone, peace"? He even held up the peace sign as he walked out. Seriously, what the hell dude? Walk out on your wife and baby in the middle of the store and try to sign off like some gangsta wanna-be? I'm serious guys, what the fuck.

*ahem* Anyway, I was very confused. I was not alone in this; two Mexican men had walked in at the same time he walked out, and they were both looking back with puzzled faces. Who knows if they spoke English; at that moment, we made eye contact and all understood each other: "What's up with that idiot?"

I glanced over at the woman, who was still standing in the same spot. For a moment she looked completely dumbfounded. She was either thinking "I can't believe he just walked out on me!" or "Did he seriously just tell me 'I'm gone, peace'?" Either way, she didn't waste any time shaking it off and taking out her cell phone, I can only assume to call his dumb ass.

I just want it known that I wasn't trying to stare. Surely you can understand why I couldn't help wanting to know what was going to happen next.

She stayed where she was, on the phone, for a few minutes. During that time, I'd glance over at her, and then at the door, to see if the guy was coming back. He didn't. Then the lady grabbed the baby in its carrier, abandoned her basket of groceries and walked toward the door, still on the phone. I thought I might as well offer some sort of assistance, so when she passed me I asked if she wanted me to watch her buggy for her. She said no and kept on walking. She went outside and stood by the red posts, still on the phone. She set the baby down beside her and kept talking, watching the parking lot.

An older woman was coming in the store at that moment. I noticed she stopped to admire the baby, and probably tried to tell the woman how cute it was. I couldn't hear a word, but I'm guessing it fell on deaf ears. The other woman came inside and told me, "You might want to keep an eye on those two. It sounds like they're arguing, and I'm guessing her husband is the one who keeps driving in circles around the parking lot." I thanked the woman for her advice.

That I just found hilarious. She didn't say if he was speeding or anything, so this is how I pictured it: "I'm so made at my wife!" *left turn* "God damn it!" *left turn* "I want to show my rage by speeding but I can't go any faster than 15 mph!" *left turn*

I'm being very silly, but visualize it. It's really damn funny.

Shortly thereafter, Ms Dale (another greeter) came to take my 30-minute lunch. I figured nothing would happen, but I let her know that there was a couple arguing outside so that she could report any disturbance if it came about. I was walking toward the back and I crossed one of the managers. I told her, "That basket of groceries in the middle of the aisle belongs to a lady. I don't know if she's coming back for it, but I just wanted to tell you it belonged to her." She thanked me and went on.

I had done all I could do to help without overstepping my bounds, so I clocked out and went to sit on a bench and read. I was in front of the registers, a fair distance away from the door I'd just left. Every now and then I'd glance toward the door to see if they had come back, or I'd scan the registers to see if they were checking out. I didn't see them, so I figured either they weren't coming back or I'd missed them. I finished my lunch and went back to my door.

Is that the end of the story? Not quite. Come on, what kind of storyteller would I be if I didn't have a hilarious punchline at the end? I don't know if you'd call this a punchline, but it is hilarious.

It was about 8:30 when I came back to my door. At 9:00 Ms Dale and Ms Sereta locked the doors on the other side, and Ms Sereta came to meet me at my door. (Ms Dale went home.) Ms Sereta and I talked for a while, chit-chatting about my dogs and my cats and my sick boyfriend. The night was winding down. 10:00 was just around the corner. It was almost quittin' time. All was quiet.

It was 9:50. Ms Sereta and I were ready to leave. I had just picked up the machine to bring it back to the service desk when all of a sudden I saw a blur run past me. I didn't realize it until later, but the blur was the woman. Following her in hot pursuit was her husband. They left their car running right in front of the store, put the hazard lights on, and came flying in like bats out of hell. The baby came too! The man came running inside with the carrier in his hand. Actually it was more of a stilted jog than a run. I imagine it's hard to run with a baby carrier.

When I recognized the man, I turned around saw that the woman had just gotten to the spot where her buggy had been when she abandoned it. Finding it not there, they both ran a marathon to the Customer Service desk. I didn't stay and watch, though I wanted to very badly. I clocked out, told my friend Robert the whole story, bought some cookies and juice, and headed out. As I walked out, I saw them leaving the service desk, much slower than before, with the baby carrier in a buggy now. No groceries, just a baby.

Now that the story is finished, you want to know why these Einsteins get the Moron of the Week Award. First, the man gets points for his inexplicable use of rap-speak in an attempt to end an argument and make a dramatic exit. Secondly, the woman gets points for just leaving her shit in the middle of the store, regardless of whether or not she intended to get it back. Last but not least, they both get points galore for waiting nearly two and a half hours before flying back into the store like it's some life-or-death emergency and expecting to find their shit exactly where they left it. The poor baby doesn't get points. It's not his fault he was born into a family of morons.

I've made the assumption they came running back for their groceries, which is stupid for obvious reasons. After that long with no one to claim it, of course they collected the items and returned them to the shelves. But let's say they weren't looking for the groceries. Let's say they had left something else, like...her purse, for instance. Ok, I can see that being an "Oh God, I need to hurry" situation. As someone who has misplaced her own purse before, I can sympathize. But let's think about this logically for just a moment.

1) You didn't ask anybody to look after your stuff. In fact you turned down help when it was offered. So you don't get the luxury of even hoping it's in the same spot where you left it.
2) It took you two and a half hours to realize your purse was missing? As scatterbrained as I am, I usually notice within a very short time frame. I'm always reaching for something in my purse. They must have been arguing a really long time for her not to notice. That or she's really dumb.
3) You lost your purse in Wal-Mart, sweetie. There are good people in the world, a lot more than you'd think actually. That doesn't change the fact that you were gone two and a half hours. If it got stolen, it's at someone's house. If it got turned in, it's at the Service Desk. Either way, it's not in the same spot it was when you left. So there's no reason to park the car in an illegal spot and leave it running while you come flying in to look for it. Wherever it is now, it's gonna stay there. So chill.

That last set of logic works pretty much for any item you could think of that they might have lost. Credit card? Not gonna be on the floor where you left it. Diaper bag? Somebody turned it in. Cell phone? You had that in your hand, honey.

While I'm at it, who the fuck leaves their car running and unmanned in the front of the store? Forget the fact that you can't park there, and forget the fact that in the area I live in, probably nobody will steal it, but come on. At that point you're just asking somebody to hop in and drive away. Wanna leave all the doors open while you're at it? So yeah, they all get extra points for that. Except the baby. The baby is exempt from points.

And that's my story of the Moron(s) of the Week Award winners. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I couldn't help cracking up all over again as I was re-telling it.

~Gretchen aka The Coconutter~